"That's not what I
mean, you didn't waste your time doing it, you had a book open in
front of you at breakfast, you carry books around as if you were
ready to plunge in as soon as I'm looking away. Alex does that too
and I guess that's why he was always the smarter one and why you can
take extra class and read tones of books at the weekend. I just had a
part time job to get a little money and by some shoes every time I
felt bad about myself. My shoes are the result of my emotional
distress. I mean I love them but I can tell you what my parents sad
to be just before I bought them. Shoes are my comfort food but also a
reminder of every time Alex was everything my parents wanted and..."
"I got books,"
I said.
"What?"
"Every time I had a
problem, every time a kid was mean at school about the black out,
every time I was pissed to wake up at the hospital, every time
something bad happened I asked for a book and I texted my dad about
it. My mum didn't get them all but when I arrived at my dad's he had
them all. The book in my room are like a reminder on how much I
wanted my life to be different."
"Oh, I didn't see it
that way."
"We are not that
different, we just cope with family trouble a little differently,
especially because my mother love shoes so much that I had to hate
them. Everything she loves I wanted to be rid of because I don't want
to be like her. I'm scared to death that I'll get a kid some day and
she won't be everything I wished she was and I will hurt her for it
just like my mother hurt me."
"I swear I'll never
let one of my kids feel inferior to the other," Amy said.
The dizziness came back
and I sad on the fridge.
"Are you ok?"
"I'm feeling dizzy,
I don't know why, it never happened before."
"I'll finish here
than we can eat," Amy said.
"We better go to my
room. If I black out it's going to be a long and strong one."
We ate the chicken cream
pasta in my room. I was ready to black out any time now. I had
covered myself with my blanket and told Amy to just close the door if
I was to black out and that there is nothing else she could do. I
didn't want my parents involved. One week at the university only and
I was already having black out related troubles, not of the kind I
would have expected but that for sure couldn't be good.
"How long does it
take for alcohol to leave the body?" I asked.
"I don't know, let
me check," Amy opened a new browser tab and loaded the question
into google. "It says for 3 beers it takes 11 hours."
"I only had half a
glass."
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