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Monday, April 15, 2024

Mystery Monday 216: Murder at the Conference 113

We start right were we left off last week:

I took a deep breath, if she knew that little, it was going to be really hard to get it through her.

“I hadn't have any panic attacks in years. They stopped when I left my home town to go to university. I changed my environment and that was the end of them. Then I met your boyfriend.”

“Don't tell me you really believe that he is responsible.”

“One night, we were skypping and he started talking to me about his ex-girlfriend and how pretty she was and how perfect she was and how he took her to the aquarium and how we could replay that date. That's when it happened. I was the replacement of the girl he loved and who cheated on him, my heart skipped a beat, the space closed around me, I couldn't catch my breath. I fell on my side holding my heart until the attack stop by itself. I thought I was having a heart attack. It had never been that bad before. It had never involved that deep pain. The pain latest three days after that. Any mention of his ex, any mention of breaking up like he did every three weeks. It threw me in a real mess, in a really dark place I had hoped never to see again. That's how it all started. He never saw it because most of his attacks on me, most of the triggering part was when he texted me. I would have panic attacks at night and go to the bathroom, waiting for them to pass.

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Monday, April 8, 2024

Mystery Monday 215: Murder at the Conference 112

We start right were we left off last week:

“But I don't need help!”

“You need to change, you can't go on like this.”

My hands started to shake again. I was going to have another panic attack if I didn't get out of here but I was in a plane, stuck with Christa.

“Look at this.”

I placed my hands in front of her, it was trembling and she took it. I hated that sort of contact, it was out of my culture, people in France don't take each other hands like this.

“You're shaking.”

“It's the same thing every time I'm about to have a panic attack, it starts with my hands shaking.”

I took my hands away from her. It wasn't really helping to get her in my personal space.

“So are you going to pretend that it's because of me again?”

“I'm not going to pretend, Christa. It is because of all the bullshit you have been serving me for months. Do you know anything about panic attacks? Have you ever had one?”

“No, I haven't had any but I know enough to say that your life is going wrong and that's why your panicking.”

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Monday, April 1, 2024

Mystery Monday 214: Murder at the Conference 111

We start right were we left off last week:

“The problem is in your eyes. There is a song that goes “Everything you can do, I can do better, I can do everything better than you” and that's the game you are playing at but I have to tell you, you are playing it alone.”

“How my god! I can't believe this. You're the one with the superiority complex, not me. I can't be the superior one, remember, I'm the fat one, fat people can't have high ego because skinny bitches are always pulling us down. And let me tell you how it feels to be around you all day. You're supposed to be super hot except I can see that you are not and that's infuriating. You're supposed to be super good at your work except that if you really were, you wouldn't need to work out so early or so late. You're the one with the greatest boyfriend though you didn't care enough about him but now it's mine and you want him back. You're all fake, you can't be the real you because for you everything is about appearance. It's all about showing that you are better than the people around you.”

“If I'm such an horrible person, then why are you even trying to be around me and talk to me?”

“Because you're my friend and I care and I want to help you.”

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Monday, March 25, 2024

Mystery Monday 213: Murder at the Conference 110

We start right were we left off last week:

“No, you were trying to pull me down. You saw that I was happy at the way I look because I don't often wear dresses at the lab. You stated every thing you thought was wrong with the dress, every thing you could come up with to make me feel bad about buying it and wasting money on something that would decay too fast because you know I don't buy clothes too often. You tried to make me feel self-conscious about the way I looked by calling me improper for my place of work and to finish, you showed up to show me the right way to do it, as if you knew better. All to show me that you were better at picking up clothes and at wearing dresses.”

“Because I am, that's a fact, I was trying to teach you,” Christa said rising and lowering her arms.

“No, you were taking a hit at my self-esteem. It took me a few weeks to wear that dress again. And I noticed that you were the only one rolling your eyes at it. Other girls all over the city wear similar dresses during the summer. It was only your problem. But it's like that for about everything I do or say. It's always a problem you have with it.”

“Because your behavior is a problem,” she said. “Why can't you see it?”

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Monday, March 18, 2024

Mystery Monday 212: Murder at the Conference 109

We start right were we left off last week:

“And you need to change yours.”

“I'm not the one with the murderous boyfriend, the panic attacks, unhappy about the way I look and a workaholic problem leading me nowhere.”

“No, you are the on with a comparing problem.”

“I'm not comparing anything.”

“Remember when I came to the lab with this dress the first time?” I asked pointing at my summer dress. “I was so happy. I had been to the store with a friend and we had both bought new summer dresses together and I felt good and beautiful and happy. You told me that my dress was not proper, that anything above knee length shouldn't be worn at the university, even thought there is no dressing code saying anything like that. You told me that the fabric was really cheap, that after a few wash it would be see through. Then the next day you came to the lab wearing a summer dress too, and you turned on yourself to show of to me and told me that this was the proper way to wear this type of dress. That yours was going to last all summer.”

“I was just trying to help, nothing wrong with that!”

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Monday, March 11, 2024

Mystery Monday 211: Murder at the Conference 108

We start right were we left off last week:

“You know, you're lucky, I'm happy enough with my life, because it's people like you who are making fat kids become anorexic and kill themselves.”

“For telling the truth?”

“You weren't telling the truth, you were being plain mean to me and trying to hurt my feelings on purpose.”

“Then why are you even talking to me in the first place if you don't like what I have to say?”

“I was just trying to help you, god, all I'm doing is trying to help you so that your life is not so pathetic and miserable.”

“It never occurred to you that I don't want your help, that I don't need your help, that I never asked for it?”

“You can't even see your own problems, that's why I need to help.”

“And you are not qualified, Christa. You never listen to what I have to say, you disrespect me on a daily basis.”

“I never disrespected you, you did when you call me fat.”

“Because telling me that I'm the kind of person who pushes people to kill themselves was really nice and tactful and especially helpful.”

“You need to change your attitude,” she pushed her hair away from her shoulder, exasperated.

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Monday, March 4, 2024

Mystery Monday 210: Murder at the Conference 107

We start right were we left off last week:

The plane was delayed one hour. I was happy to have eaten lunch and not to have waited to get food after landing.

I waited until most people were done queuing to go and board the plane. I didn't see the point of rushing at the first call it's not like it was place restricted, we all had a ticket and a booked seat, nobody was going to steal mine.

Christa was already sitting at the easel when I arrived and she stood up to let me pass and go to the window. I looked outside as the crew was finishing to bring the baggage in. I even saw my bag. I was always a bit worried about my luggage so this was good. At least I knew for sure it had boarded the plane at the same time as me. My poster carrier was above my head in the compartment the air hostess had just closed. My smaller bag with personal effects I couldn't check in because I couldn't bear to lose, was under the seat in front of me. All was for the best. In few hours, we would land in China. It would probably be night time when we arrived so I would have to figure out how to get to the hotel. It was a bit scary thinking about it. I didn't know how to get there. I hadn't found any website that I could read about buses or trains.

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Monday, February 26, 2024

Mystery Monday 209: Murder at the Conference 106

We start right were we left off last week:

“But latex isn't for geeks any scientist has to know it, it's the only way to write something properly.”

“I know that, but she is using some sort of boxes program for her paper and it works.”

“What I mean is, you can't let her put you down for having skills that she doesn't have, you have to fence for yourself.”

“But if I answer anything, it goes on and on and on because she has her own way which is supposed to be best and she doesn't listen to any argument I might have.”

“She doesn't have to listen but you don't have to listen either.”

“Today, I told her the conversation was over, she kept on talking so I put on my earphones,” I said.

He kissed me on the forehead again. Seeing his size and mine, that was the easier place to reach.

“Good girl, don't let her put you down. Somehow that might be associated with your stress level.”

With my panic attack this morning and yes, possibly with my stress level too. I should probably be writing a diary about everything she said to see how it affected me and my self-esteem.

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Monday, February 19, 2024

Mystery Monday 208: Murder at the Conference 105

We start right were we left off last week:

“Which part?”

“That you are bad at dealing with people. I think it's just that you have a Christa problem. Is there anything else that you have that she doesn't? Like this latex poster skill and that she tries to diminish every single time?”

I thought for a while. There was the boyfriend issue, before she had one, I was never good enough for mine and there was the way I looked too, how it was weird how boys behaved with me. There was my work that day, how she had said that I pretended to work only to look good but wasn't really all that good. There were a lot of little things, every single day since I met her, and it had become worse since she was dating my ex.

“Yes, most things I do or say displease her and she is very loud about it.”

“On a daily basis?”

“On an hourly basis.” I said.

He laughed and then stopped suddenly.

“And what do you say to her?”

“Mostly nothing.”

“You never tell her to fuck off or cut the crap?”

“No, mostly I just let her talk and give minimal answer until she is done.”

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