Let's start right where we left off last week.
I fell dizzy as pushed
the door to the quantum mechanic introduction class. It was one of
those huge auditorium but they weren't even enough people to fill
half of it. We took a sit in the shadow near the wall somewhere in
the middle.
"You don't look ok,"
Amy said.
"I haven't blacked
out all day," I said.
"Are you about to
black out?"
"I can never predict
it but I sure wish," I said.
"You wish?"
Once again I had talked
faster than I had thought.
"I'm not feeling
very well, I think the black out help my brain function properly or
something," I said.
Amy gave me a weird side
look. I didn't know if she bought that explanation or not but she
didn't have time to answer because the professor was already
downstairs in front of the board. Now it was supposed to be fun.
Sneaking into second year classes somehow made me feel so smart. I
know it was silly but I still enjoyed that. My head stopped spinning
after a while and I wondered if it had something to do with the black
out or if I just lacked sugar or something. My mother always had me
carry chocolate everywhere, to eat after the black out in case she
wasn't there to take me to the hospital which mostly never happened.
But as one more act of rebellion, I didn't have any chocolate on me
just now. I felt a bit bad because that was what had become of me and
I didn't see it happen. When I was living with her, I obeyed her
rules, either I liked them or not. Now that I was on my own however,
I was throwing away all the boundary. As if it wasn't enough to rebel
to go to university and study what I wanted, now, I was forgetting to
check I had all food group each meal. I could have yogurt at lunch
and at dinner and no fruit for dessert. I didn't need to put the
dishes in the dishwasher or wash them straight away, I didn't have a
strict bed time, and I didn't carry chocolate around. This was bad.
Those were all little rules that she enforced to make life easier and
safer and I was ruining them for me. I even went out last night and
drunk alcohol on a school day. If obeying her rules was as if she
still had powers on me, disobeying then also felt the same. There was
no winning no matter what I did, it was like everything was always
related to her.
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