Hello and Welcome to Thursday Taster again. Talented writers from all over the blogosphere gather together to give
readers tasty parts of their work in progress, you can find the list here.
This week I had some bad critique about a little part I added to chapter 1 so I'm asking you if you like it or not, and if there is anything about it that I should change.
But first, the cover! How do you like it?
(I should get different versions as soon as possible)
This is supposed to explain how Jason found the fat man in the first place:
He
had had a long discussion with the doctor about the rainbow and the
surgery. He didn’t want
to alarm Clarissa so he never told her what came out of it, but she
was getting worse, more quickly than ever. She needed the rainbow and
fast. This time, he didn’t care about the means, so he went to the
black market. It was illegal and considered stealing as the rainbow
didn’t go through the general government taxation process, but
emergencies required emergency measures.
There
was a bar in the darkest street of the city, a street where nobody
bothered to change the broken lights anymore. Jason turned the handle
to the right twice, then once to the left. The door whistled and
steam rushed underneath before the door moved up. Jason waited for it
to be high enough to enter. Once he had passed the entrance, the door
sank to the floor with a loud noise that startled him. The bar was
barely more lit than the street. Jason swallowed and walked to the
center. An handimate was mechanically cleaning glasses with a dirty
towel. Jason thought better than to talk to the robot, there could be
recording devices on it for all he knew. He took a sit on a high
stool on the side of the counter and waited, looking at the red light
at the back of the room. A man placed a drink in front of him,
something he didn't ask for, but he played along, turning the liquid
in the glass, looking at the yellow reflection in it. The red light
went off.
"Your
turn," the handimate said.
Jason
looked at it and at the man who raised a questioning eyebrow without
a word, as if he was stranger to anything happening here.
Jason
shrugged and abandoned the didn't taste on the counter. He
walked to the back of the room, to where the red light had been. A
man hidden in a large grey cloak crossed his path. Jason couldn't see
his face and the anonymity made him shiver, maybe he should have
hidden his face too.
The door was the same model as the one at the
entrance. Jason turned the handle twice to the left and then once to
the right in the opposite motion. The door didn't whistle this time
but the steam still game out at the bottom. The vapor was thicker, as
if to hide the inside from sight. Jason didn't wait for the door to
be fully opened. He lowered his head and bent to enter. Once again,
the door sank to the floor behind him.
He
was in a cabinet, not much larger than a broom closet. There was a
small round table in the center and seats with green cushions on both
sides. In between them, a shelve with a few books. Jason slid himself
to sit on the left, his knees touching the seat on the other side. He
took the third book from his side and opened it to page 217. The note
served as a bookmark, just as expected.
"We
have a contact for you. Monday, same place, same time, put a red rose
on your table."
There
was one more paper, an advertisement, folded in 4. Jason opened it: a
black market seller of incredibly cheap rainbows, something, Jason
could afford. He folded the ad and placed it in his jeans back
pocket. He read the bookmark again, to make sure to memorise it,
then, placed it at the center of the table. Blue fire appeared and
Jason watched it burn. No traces left, a trap opened to swallow the
ashes. The plan was in motion... Almost. Jason left the bar, trying
not to feel happy or relieved, there was still things needing to be
done.
The
man Jason had met that Monday was not the kind of man you could find
in the phone book.
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Jason obviously cares for Clarissa very much. It seems he will go to any length to help her. Great taster and love the cover pic
ReplyDeleteI would say, firstly, that I enjoy the concept and the story line. This piece needs some editing but we can read past that. Verb tense is mixed and the smooth flow is broken in a few places where it appears you have dropped a word or two. My only real comment is that you have created an element of urgency, yet on the Black Market, he has to come back in a week? A week when his sister so badly needs it now? And the other comment is the cover. I LOVE the cover and colors, but where is the rainbow? I enjoy this story.
ReplyDeleteI like the colors in the cover. :)
ReplyDeleteInteresting way to find a contact- like the rose tidbit.
I really like this story. The cover looks good, but I wonder if you can crop it to have a little less sand at the bottom.
ReplyDeleteYou have definitely explained where Jason found the the place to acquire a rainbow. Now I want to read about meeting the little fat man. But I think you have already shared it. This is a good explanation for your goal.
ReplyDeleteWhen measuring to save someone's life. You do what it takes, and I hope that Mab has something Jason needs. Good post.
ReplyDeleteReally excellnt taste. Your writing flows so smoothly
ReplyDelete