Hello every one and thank you so much for all the comment on last Sunday's post they are really helping me too keep my motivation and to finish editing this novel on time.
Last week, I have to admit that I played a little trick on you with the demon flying through the window and I am very happy that you all thought the same about him which is that he must be trouble for Seti. Actually this is quite the opposite. Let's solve the mystery of the other demon after today's snippet.
In the previous episodes, Seti was in pain and flying to see Kallisto who is the only person who can help him get ride of it. He remembered how he had met her the first time but unfortunately this time it was late at night and she was nowhere to be seen. Seti couldn't spend the night on the Beach and decided to fly home not noticing that another demon entered her house. Today's excerpt Seti arrived in his bedroom and it's not your average demon's room.
Here are my 8 sentences
He opened the door to his bedroom and breathed a little better.
Inside was the Chaos, not really enough to satisfy the voice in his head but still sufficient to lower the pain.
He pushed the shoes hanging in front to the door on what seemed to be a guitar cord.
He pushed the shoes hanging in front to the door on what seemed to be a guitar cord.
Books were opened on the ground, clothes were thrown everywhere, they were all clean and smelling good but he couldn’t bear to have them fowled in the closet.
The book shelved had been removed long ago.
He kept on making them fall on the ground.
It was at the time when his mother was still trying to tidy his room.
Each time he came back from school to take refuge in his Chaos she had tidy everything and the first thing he did was to throw things on the ground, to dissemble things to calm the voice in his head asking for Chaos.
If you are interested, you can read more about Demon and Fairy here.
Discover the excerpts of other participants through the Week-end Writing Warriors's blog here.
Facebook Snippet Sunday group for more posts here.
So now for our mysterious demon
If you remembered the second snippet, Seti couldn't pass the barrier protecting Kallisto.
"Probably a magical barrier to protect her”, he had thought, “from
people like me, from nasty and vile demons only attached to darkness.”
Seti has a little confidence problem. Kallisto is protected by a magical barrier but it's not quite was Seti has in mind and for the demon who flew through the window, he just lives there and you'll meet him a little later.
The scene with him flying through the window is the ending of my other novel Demon Soul. I'm very glad that you all had the reaction of thinking he was trouble because that's the state in which I want to keep my readers for a bit. So this is working.
The second point of having this scene in the book is to show that demons can cross that barrier and that Seti will have to get over it, just a little clue for attentive readers.
I hope you enjoy today's post, see you next week-end for more of WeWriWar and Demon and Fairy or every other day for Mes Crazy Expériences.
Is there such a thing as an average demon's room? Cause if there is, it could be my sons!
ReplyDeleteIn this sentence, "Each time he was coming back from school trying to take refuge in his Chaos..." It might flow better to say, "Each time he came back from school to take refuge in his chaos..." Just a thought to take or leave. Read each out loud and see what you think. I find reading my writing out loud helps me with flow. Well, as long as no one is around cause you know, people might look at you funny. :)
Interesting snippet though, that the chaos of his room satisfies the chaos in his head. I like the concept of that. Intriguing 8!
History Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders
I'm doing a little editing for you. Explanations in brackets. I love the concept of this novel and please, please stay motivated! Keep up the great work.
ReplyDelete"He opened the door to his bedroom and breathed a little better.
Inside was the Chaos, not really enough to satisfy the voice in his head, but still sufficient to lower the pain.
He pushed the shoes hanging in front to the door on what seemed to be a guitar cord.
Opened books lay [avoid "was", "were" where possible] scattered on the floor [if inside a house you normally say "floor"], clothes [removed "were"] strewn everywhere, all clean and smelling good, but he couldn’t bear to have them fouled [not fowled] in the closet.
He'd removed book shelves [not shelved] removed long ago. [removed passive voice] He'd kept on dropping them until he finally discarded them during [removed "it was"] the time when his mother was still trying to tidy his room.
Each time he came back from school to take refuge in his Chaos, he'd find she had tidied [verb confusion fixed] everything and the first thing he did was to throw things on the floor and [removed "to" echo] dissemble things to calm the voice in his head asking for Chaos."
I too like the idea of chaos in his head and in his room. And gave me an idea for my WIP so thanks
ReplyDeleteI agree with Natalie on the edits. Fascinating story concept and love the idea of needing chaos.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely keep going.
You have a really interesting concept here and I'm definitely looking forward to more. A few changes to help with word flow, as suggested, will improve the mechanics. I hope you will post more from this story.
ReplyDeleteI love the rich description you've used in this snippet. I do have one comment, I think you meant shelf rather than shelved.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Cindy, the concept of intentional chaos is terrific!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of Natalie's and Cindy's edits. I do like the peek into his world in this snippet.
ReplyDelete~Joyce Scarbrough
Interesting concept here. I'm intrigued and want to know more :)
ReplyDeleteNatalie and Cindy great advice. :)
I love the world-building here - so very different! I'm thinking my kids listen to the voice in their head asking for chaos way too much:)
ReplyDeleteWriterlySam
Love the description in this excerpt. And I love that we get into his head a little.
ReplyDeleteGreat snippet!
Very nice snippet :-)
ReplyDeleteCindy and Natalie have offered excellent editing advice. I will also suggest Autocrit.com as a good tool. You can use it free for short segments. It can help you will a number of writing issues.
ReplyDeleteChaos calling him to act, needing chaos, is very different. I'm intrigued because this story turns everything in my little OCD world on its head. :)
I'm loving the intentional chaos. And I'm curious about why his mom kept tidying his room - did she somehow not know what he was, or is the chaos not quite related to his being a demon?
ReplyDeleteI love the feel of this piece! With Cindy and Natalie's suggestions this is a great start to what Chaos should be.
ReplyDeleteI love this concept of chaos. :)
ReplyDeleteHi, Linda, catching up here. I love that he needs the chaos to satisfy the voice (I imagine the more demon-y part of him) in his head. I think Natalie's and Cindy's suggestions were very effective, so I have nothing else to add besides this.
ReplyDelete