Brownie took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath again. There was no use, she couldn’t remember anything else. She closed the notebook and look at Sahel still asleep in his hammock hanging near her bed, his wings falling on each side, almost touching the floor. Long time ago, she would have awaken him at the first sign of nightmare or even if she just couldn’t sleep, but that was long time ago. Now, she wasn’t so sure anymore, she had the feeling that everything she did was only just bothering him. She stood up and walked to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She turned on the tape and look at her face in the mirror. She hadn’t been looking at herself for a long time now. She avoided mirrors. She would just dress up with whatever was to come up to her and attached her hair in a ponytail without even thinking about what she looked like. She was the president of the school fashion club but that was from before. She wasn’t the girl she used to be anymore, she would just stay there as a reminder, she was staying with those girls after class talking about makeup and reading fashion magazine just because it was the only thing that was still making her feel normal, feel like her old self.
“You girl, really have a huge problem, I would say a huge identity crisis”, she said out loud to the mirror.
“Can I be the old me and the new me, simultaneously?” she asked as if she was asking her reflection for permission.
She passed her hand under the tape and let them fill up with warm water. She liked the sensation of the water on her skin, she always had. She passed the water on her face. It was felling good, too good! She decided to undress and to get in the shower. When she was taking a shower, her thoughts were generally running high, giving her new ideas.
“I need to take care of myself and myself only, Sahel will be ok, he wasn’t in the dream, they won’t reach him, I need to take care of myself, I need to make myself happy again. My main problem is, I don’t know what can make me happy now. No matter what I do it’s never enough, no matter what Sahel do, it’s never enough either. If we could understand each other better… but that won’t happen until I discover what I want. What do I want? What do I want?”
She took the shampoo and massaged her skull slowly.
“From today I’ll only do things that feel good to me, from tonight, I won’t care about anything than things making me happy.”
The shampoo leaked in her eye sticking it, she reached out for the nearby towel. It was a bit cold but she didn’t care, she struck her eyes with the corner of it to remove the pain then rinsed her hair. She was crying, she didn’t know if it was because of the shampoo, because she was scared of her nightmare or because she was suddenly feeling very sad. Probably a bit of all that at the same time, all she knew was that this time, it was feeling good, it was feeling like a liberation, as if every things that had been weighing heavily on her chest were finally coming out of her.
“Tomorrow, I’ll go to the Magick shop in the demon world”, she said. “First of all, I need to restore my stone.”
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