Hello everyone!Welcome to Week-end Writing Warrior and Snippet Sunday.
It's time to oscillate back to Demon and Fairy once again. Did you miss
Seti? Today, you can panic... It's authorized and even recommended. Thank you to the people who participated in Harajuku Kiss Blog Tour. That was awesome!
Here are my 8 sentences with creative punctuation for everything to fit, the weirdness continues (of course he is Seti). And we start just where we left off 2 weeks ago.
He
placed his hand firmly on his neck as if it could stop the pain from
spreading, but each time he took a step closer to his room the
humming of the Chaos intensified. As he touched the door, the voice
of the Chaos yelled in his head burning his eardrums and blurring his
vision.
“Now,”
he heard a strong voice command in his back.
He was pushed and fell
on the floor hurting his knees, he tried to sit up in the dark but
just heard the noise of a key turning in the locker of his bedroom
door and some unknown incantation. He just had the time to wonder how
his room could be so dark before falling unconscious on the floor.
Seti
woke up with an intense headache, his room was so dark that it took
him some times to realize his eyes were opened. He didn’t know how
long he had been unconscious, maybe hours, maybe days; he opted for
hours, if it had been days he would have been hungry or thirsty, but
he still had the taste of the tomato juice in his mouth.
“I
forgot to brush my teeth,” he said; the sound of his own voice felt
a bit strange.
I know Kaji is in trouble right... And I think you're going to hate me... I'm not sure if I should tell you the rest of the story because... hum..
And Teresa, that would be so awful! I never thought about it, but yes that could have been a possibility but no it is not the case, it's more romantic than that.
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Nice and intense -- can't wait to find out what is going on.
ReplyDeleteI liked the line about how dark it was. Most readers can identify with that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, his comment about the tomato taste was a nice non sequitur.
Whoa, something bad happened there! With the incantation, you get the feeling someone did this to him--which raises the question of 'why?'
ReplyDeleteLove the description in this excerpt, and the little details, like the taste of tomato juice. Really well done! :)
ReplyDeleteHe just may be in trouble, but he's worried that he forgot to brush his teeth. :) I do hope he's going to be okay.
ReplyDeleteWow, very vivid scene! I feel sorry for Seti, Chaos surely does take a toll on him. But I love that his first real thought is about brushing his teeth! Great 8!
ReplyDeleteinteresting climax of tension that kinda breaks with the last sentence, seems a bit mundane to think about his teeth after the pain and dramatic sentences above... I'm curious to see what comes next!
ReplyDeleteI was totally into the scene and enjoying the wonderful way with words until you got to the part about being unconscious and then waking up. It happened too quick and felt jarring. Why did he go unconscious? You need to describe the room spinning and the entire sensation rather than just saying he fell unconscious. You have a wonderful voice and a great talent in writing, but this one line didn't mesh.
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Yikes! I wonder what happened?? I had that experience once with the room being so dark and not sure if my eyes were open. Of course nothing wild was going on. It was just a dark room, lol. Still it shook me up.
ReplyDeleteSounds like he's in trouble from more than the chaos.
ReplyDeleteI felt what was going on in this snippet. I hope Seti will be alright.
ReplyDeleteThat last line is wonderful. He's thinking about his teeth when he's in major trouble.
ReplyDeleteVery vivid description. I wonder if someone did this to Seti?
ReplyDeleteI found one of the lines awkward "...his room was so dark that it took him some times to realize his eyes were opened."
Maybe it would have flowed smoother to say "...it took him some time to realize his eyes were opened in the darkness."
Just a suggestion. The story is certainly engrossing.
Is Chaos its own entity? I wonder what happened to him. I guess he does too... Good snippet, Linda! :-) Your English just keeps getting better and better!
ReplyDeleteVery ominous. I'm worried about him.
ReplyDeleteNicely done. I especially like the way you bring a fantastical scene back to what passes for reality by ending with something as mundane as brushing one's teeth.
ReplyDeleteNothing good can come from being knocked out for a few hours by some mysterious source!! Uh oh Seti!
ReplyDeleteScary, I wonder what happened to him.
ReplyDelete