Hello Warriors and dear readers.
Thank you so much for all the comments you left on last week-end snippet. I received the answer from the critique for the first 2000 words of "Demon and Fairy", you can see it here.
Now let's go to this week snippet, more on Demon and Fairy
In the previous episodes, Seti was in pain and flying to see Kallisto who is the only person who can help him get ride of it. He remembered how he had met her the first time but unfortunately this time it was late at night and she was nowhere to be seen. Seti couldn't spend the night on the Beach and decided to fly home not noticing that another demon entered her house. We followed Seti and discovered his chaotic bedroom before meeting his family for breakfast. They were arguing about Seti's sister's arranged wedding being canceled by the other family and Samira was crying. Their father said that Seti would just have to apologize. and we learn what Seti thinks about the situation. Today we are meeting the twin's father.
Here are my 10 sentences (sorry I needed 2 more sentences to give it a nice ending.)
[edit : Seti isn't really giving any attention to the situation so the twin's father (sorry he doesn't has any other name complains about him being here. Seti's father speak first.]
“Well I didn’t hear him say anything yet, he is just destroying my plants,
and I don’t want to hear what he has to say. Get out!” The twins’
father answered walking back to his desk.
Seti placed the leaf near the plant which took it back. He was
looking at his father, the Chaos in his head
becoming more intense.
“I’m sure we can come to an agreement,” his father muttered.
The twins’ father started to write again as if he didn’t remember
having them in the room, as if they were just part of the furniture.
Seti sighed and started to walk to the door.
“Let’s get out of here; Samira will marry Taram anyway,” Seti said
with a tone of voice that wasn’t meant for arguments.
I hope you enjoyed today's excerpt and see you next week for more of Seti's adventures. Next week we will see the twin's father's reaction, don't miss it!
If you are interested, you can read more about Demon and Fairy here.
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Hope the tensions soothe soon. Nice snippet!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a tense situation!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your critique experience with us! I know it's hard when anyone is critical of your work, especially after you put so much time and effort into it, but I think you can always find some new ideas and different ways of thinking about things.
ReplyDeleteAs for this excerpt, very enjoyable! Love the action in it. :)
Love the image of "the chaos in his head". Was intrigued by the plant taking the leaf back. How? This is such a unique story. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm slightly worried about that demon that flew in unobserved. He's probably making mischief.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to the next installment!
ReplyDeleteThis part--"Seti placed the leaf near the plant which took it back. He was looking at his father the Chaos in his head becoming more intense"--I'd like to know how Seti is affected by the intense Chaos. Does it make it harder for him to think about what's going on? Does he wish it would stop?
ReplyDeleteAnd I like your attitude about the free critique you received. We all get critiques that we wish were more positive, but you seem determined to learn from it. Best of luck with your story.
Wow, that's a pretty tense situation.
ReplyDeleteIs that plant moving? I can't tell who's speaking in the first line, though. The comma, and "his father answered" would make me think it's the dad, but the next line says that's not right.
There's such a great lore to this story. I love the world you've developed, though there are some parts that are a bit difficult to understand. In the first sentence, I think using "Seti's father" instead of "his father" would clear things up a bit.
ReplyDelete"He was looking at his father[,] the Chaos in his head becoming more intense." Here I added a comma to stop those clauses from mixing up.
Next, just a couple of typos--of which I have many: “Let’s get out of here[;] Samira will marry Taram anyway,” he said with a ton[e] of voice that wasn’t meant for arguments."
Of course these are all just suggestions. And meant to be helpful. I hope they are. I feel so bad for poor Seti. Don't give up yet!
I think I'm confused with the dads. :(
ReplyDeleteI have two dads arguing right. I think its because it says the twins dad, rather than using names.
I'll check back to see if you clarify. :)
History Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders
An intense moment here. Good snippet. Can't wait to stop back next week for more.
ReplyDeleteJust a heads up. I think you meant to say tone instead of ton. :)
"he said with a "ton" of voice that wasn’t meant for arguments."
I loved the subtle imagery here, "Seti placed the leaf near the plant which took it back" Interesting developments are brewing:)
ReplyDeleteWriterlySam
Nice 8! :D This really grabbed me: the Chaos in his head becoming more intense.
ReplyDelete